This is kind of like a sequel to my previous post, but I’m giving you more insight on my year in 2018!
With about 4 more hours before 2019 … lets just call this “reflection time”.
It’s reflection time for almost everyone as the moments get closer to the New Year. Im a reflective person overall wether it’s the new year or a new day. I always reflect so that I can make sure I’m learning from past mistakes and make better decisions in life as a whole.
But as I reflect upon the year, I ask myself what was my “rose” and what was my “thorn” of the year? or in “teacher terms” what was my “glow” and what was my “grow” of the year?
Let’s start with my thorn or my “Grow”.
A grow of mine this year, i’d say is to be more kind to myself. As I stated in my previous post I tend to be very hard on myself and as a result (NOT intentionally), but subconsciously I begin to beat myself up with thoughts of how I could have avoided certain situations or… made a better choice. Well, if I’m being completely honest, this year I was literally getting myself back on track to where I was before entering into a relationship, “healing” from a MOST NECESSARY break up. I quote healing because when it ended there was a sense of relief that came over me. He cheated and he lied about EVERYTHING and both are deal breakers for me, but because I allowed him to build a relationship with my daughter… I stuck it out a tad bit longer than I believe I should have. I came out of this dysfunctional and disloyal relationship toward the ending of 2017. I was happy to have chucked up the deuces to an insecure, lying man child, who had also tried to slander my reputation and make me out to be everything other than loyal, honest and self sufficient. From what I’ve learned about him (after knowing him as a friend from college for over 10 years) he was too ashamed to live in his own truth and resented and blamed me for being able to live in mine.
I try to be as transparent and honest as possible, but without putting everything out there, I DODGED A BULLET and I’m thankful! He was a lesson learned and trust me I learn’t it! I do however wish him well in his life because that’s what a good hearted person does.
Overall, I had to do what I needed to do for ME, my health and my sanity. However, because I allowed myself to be vulnerable and gave my heart to someone who deceived me… I blamed myself for the failure of the relationship. I blamed me for giving him a chance to prove himself even after finding out about the lies and the cheating. I mention all of this because this was my biggest thing to over come this year. Forgiving myself. There were many times where I had to remind myself “Juanita, its not your fault!”, “You couldn’t have known helping him find a new job would lead to him betraying you” I had plenty of pep talks with myself this year and I’ve grown tremendously from all of this.
My Glow (something that I believe I did well this year) is not only all of what was mentioned above, but also being more self aware. I went through a lot this year as a parent and as a woman, but being more aware of my emotions, moods, and reactions to things has helped me navigate difficult situations. I learned more about myself this year than ever before and I learned to chose my battles wisely. I learned more about what it is I want and don’t want and what I refuse to tolerate and put up with. I’ve learned to NEVER ignore my intuition, Pay attention to red flags, Never fall in like or love with potential because potential will get you not a damn place if you don’t apply yourself. I am NOT a woman who is in the business of raising a man, I know my worth and i’m worth more.
Besides that, a few more things I thought about while writing this post and reflecting on the shit I’ve learned:
- let go of situations and things that do not serve me well and accepting the fact that there are many things that I cannot control.
- focus on the things I have instead of the things I don’t have. I mean we all have goals we want to reach and things we’d like to accomplish. But as I look at how far I’ve come… I’m truly grateful for the things I have, the tangible things, the special people I have in my life that continue to BE REAL with me and continue to support me and my family. Everything that I’ve accomplished so far, all the lessons that I’ve learned in life at the age of 33 (did I mention I’m in my 30’s?) Lol which leads me to my next thing.
- Aging is beautiful! Experience is the best teacher and growing wiser is a definite gift! Yes, growing older can be scary but I’ve learned to embrace my growth physically, intellectually and in experiences. I’m glad I know what I know now. I react to people, disappointments, trials… Life as a whole differently! I’m better. I’m a better me than I was yesterday; I’m a better me than I was last year.
I know that BETTER is coming because it always has no matter what life throws at me. I always come out better than I was before and thats all that matters.
So, so long to 2018! Cheers to 2019!
Until my next post…
Peace. Love. Style